When Am I Gonna Be a Celebrity?

I am reliably informed that, being a published author, I am obliged to blog. “

Blog?” I said. “Isn't the internet clogged with blogs? Won't it seem vulgar or pushy?”

It was explained to me that people like to feel connected to celebrities.

I explained that I am not a celebrity.

“That,” I was informed, “is why you have to blog.”

Thus hoisted upon my own petard, I am now blogging so that you can feel connected to me and I can become a celebrity and sell many, many books. Which would be a good idea, by the way, if you were to buy a book. That's one book sold; I can buy lunch! Some ramen; maybe a vegetable. Some fruit to ward off scurvy.

You probably figured out already that this becoming-a-celebrity thing doesn't come naturally. You would never hear Julia Roberts begging for lunch money. She looks like she has class.

But that's what we stoop to, we artisty types. I once told John Ratzenberger (you remember him, right? Cliff Claven from Cheers?) that he should buy the biggest cappuccino-maker in the store because I needed the commission to feed my cats. How tacky. But he did buy the cappuccino maker.

We all like to feel connected to famous people.

On another occasion, Mr. Ratzenberger came into the roastery where I worked. An older couple in the store saw John (I call him John because we're such close friends—unless he's present in which case I call him Mr. Ratzenberger because he's not actually aware of our friendship). Anyway, they huddled together and whispered urgently, then the husband approached Mr. Ratzenberger.

“Mr. Ratzenberger,” he said. “I'm George Dobbs, and this is my wife Barbara. We've seen you at the country-club, but we haven't had the opportunity to introduce ourselves.” There was some more of the same sort of thing with Mr. Dobbs acting all cool and serious and Mr. Ratzenberger getting in a word or two before he found an excuse to flee the store without buying anything.

Mr. and Mrs. Dobbs brought their beans to the counter. “That was John Ratzenberger,” they explained.

Sympathetic to their star-struck condition, I said, “Every time he comes in, I want to fling myself at his feet screaming, 'Cliff! Cliff!'”

Mr. Dobbs looked down his nose. “John hates that.”

'Cause we all like to feel connected to celebrity.

I believe this is the point where I am supposed to bring the conversation back around to Symbiont, my recently published science-fiction novel—which is, incidentally, about an actress who loses her career when she is implanted with a symbiotic skin. The gengineered organism saves her life after a studio accident but forces her to reshape (sometimes literally) her sense of self (plus many adventures and perils and some romance with the hunky...well you know the drill).

The story probably came out of my introvert's aversion to exposure. The trouble with being all reserved and introverty is that I really, really want you to read this story (assuming you like science-fiction and whatnot, otherwise don't torture yourself) because you don't write stories for yourself (mostly). You write stories you want other people to enjoy, and when you do that, they wind up knowing something about you, and then you're connected. So I might as well get used to it. Wouldn't it be a giggle if someday John Ratzenberger is bragging to his friends that he met me back when I worked in a coffee roastery on Vashon Island? Because we all like to feel connected to celebrity.

The Final Draft!

At last! The final draft of scene one! How exciting.

Today, take your rough draft from yesterday with all the suggestions you and your Responsive Reader have made and rewrite it using all the new information you now have. Need more expanded details? Stick 'em in there. Did your reader get confused? Explain what you meant. Did you do a bit of extra research to answer a reader's question? Slip that in. Maybe you realized you need to move some paragraphs around to make better sense.

That's it! That's all there is to it!

Well, not really. The truth is, you are going to come back to this bit of your book and all the others over and over as you learn more and get a better sense of where your book needs to go and what it needs to do.

But for now, you can set this first bit of your final draft aside, pat yourself on the back and start all over again with Lesson One.

This time, to get ideas for your free write, you may go back to your original list of ideas or scenes for your book, or you might want to sit down with part one and make out a list of questions or ideas that arise out of that first section.

Pick the most interesting of those ideas and go back to Monday's lesson: The Free Write.

There's more to writing a book than just free-writing and expanded details. In my next post, I'll talk about choosing and understanding your audience.

First Draft

Whew! Sorry for my prolonged absence. I had the flu. My dog peed on my homework. The traffic was jammed on the information superhighway, I was pursued by saber-tooth tigers etc.

But I promised you a rough-draft, so here I am.

The rough draft is your very first attempt to throw together a scene or section of your book. It doesn't have to be perfect or even pretty. It's your first, vague outline of what that scene or section will look like.

The rough draft differs from a free-write in that in the rough draft, you will spend more time thinking and making decisions about what you are writing. You will stop and start, re-examine your details, think about what it is you want to say.

As you write, you will be trying to figure out how you will pack in all the information you have written in your journal. There just may not be room. What is the most important information to keep? If you're falling short of 500 words, can you add more expanded details? Do you have an anecdote that would support your point, or make your character more real?

Now start writing this little bitty piece of your book.

Make it at least 500 words long but it's probably best not to go beyond 750 yet. 500-750 words usually adds up to 3 or 4 double-spaced pages. This should take you an hour more or less, but don't worry if it's a lot more-or-less. Maybe you were extra-inspired, or it was hard to get the words rolling. You will get better with practice.

You get started. I'll go empty my dishwasher and come back when you're done.
(about an hour later)

Okay, fed my chickens, refreshed my coffee. Are you done writing yet? Wonderful.

You're not done for the day, though. (actually, that's up to you: If you're completely exhausted, go ahead and save this next bit until tomorrow).

Your next step is to get feedback. Because Feedback is important and I want to say several things about getting the best feedback possible, I'm going to start a new post on:

Constructive Criticism

First Things First

Recently, someone cried out into the vast spaces of the internet, "Can't somebody offer me some writing exercises for aspiring writers?"

Like Superman, my super-ears tingled to the clarion (not to be confused with the Science-Fiction writing seminar with a similar name) cry. Actually, my usual alter-ego for this kind of thing is MONUMENTA, FEMINARCH OF THE MULTIVERSE!, but she is not likely to be helpful in this case, as her preferred solution to any problem is to blast it with a thunderbolt, and I am sure you will agree that would be overkill under the circumstances.

So, relying on my experience teaching Fundamentals of Writing--which I did for two years at Eastern Washington University--I am going to offer a few suggestions to beginning writers who want to write--book, novel, nonfiction etc.--but feel they need some basic skills. Remember, this is for the raw recruits. Old campaigners need not apply (except to make helpful suggestions in the comments section if you wish).

I am going to suggest a notebook (groans from audience). WAIT! Don't click your back button yet! This notebook is going to be the first draft of your book! See? You're writing already!

I'm going to assume you already have a topic, genre, or the vague outline of a story. I generally recommend a really detailed outline of your story, but that's a tome for another time.

Let's start bright and early Monday morning--or on your lunch break or at 11pm after the kids have finally gone to bed. You sit down with a cup of coffee (or a nice relaxing cocoa or chamomile tea). You flip open your notebook...er, I mean...open a new file in your "Writing" directory. In ten words or less, put down a title: a single scene/topic which you intend to include in your book, ie, Dangerous blonde walks into detective office, Hero rides into ghost town, aliens land in Wyoming, education necessary to become an astronaut, work hazards in an accounting office etc.

One scene only. If you have to include the word "and" then you are trying to write two scenes. No good.

If you haven't got that far in your planning yet, no problem. Write down, "Protagonist" or "Villain" or "Fantasy Adventure" Anything to do with the story, or the KIND of story, you would like to write.

(this works fine for short-storyists, too, but don't try to do it all at once. One itty-bitty scene a time, thank you very much!)

If you're a non-fictioneer, you might write down the general topic: Engineering, modern dance, writing a blog for new writers who want to write a book etc.

Now, for the next ten minutes, you are going to "free-write" without stopping. Your fingers will never stop rattling the keys or scratching that pen across the page. Ten FULL minutes. If your mind goes blank, write, Gosh darn it, my mind is a total freakin' blank, over and over for ten FULL minutes. If you never really get going, you can, go back and reset your timer for five minutes--or two. Anybody can write for two minutes at a time.

Whew! Not so bad, right? Ha ha, but you're not done for the day. No sir. Now, go through your free-write and highlight or circle three points, ideas or images that seem important or particularly interesting. Or one. If you can't find even one, no worries--you can try another free-write session on the same topic.

Now pick the best of those three ideas and...wait for it...You guessed it, ANOTHER ten-minute free-write on that idea!

Whew! There you go, you've done your assignment for the day. At this point, I like to reward myself with a shiny gold sticky-star on my calendar. It's surprising how gratifying it can be for a grown woman to admire that glittering little award and look forward to getting another one tomorrow.

PS. You can expect to do this every Monday for approximately the rest of your life.